​I woke up to more devastating news. And I'm heartbroken. 

I'm heartbroken over the precious lives lost and for their grieving families. 

I'm heartbroken over the ways horrible, violent actions of some will affect the good, needed progress being made by the majority. 

I'm heartbroken over the comments I've already seen on social media that are unknowingly drenched in white privilege. 

I'm simply heartbroken. And I don't know what to do. When I dwell on the violence, on the negativity, on the lack of even trying to understand on any side of any issue, I want to shut down. It can all easily and quickly paralyze me. 

But when I shut off the news and social media, I  can dwell on the gospel and on the truths of who God is and what He has promised, who He says I am and what He has called and equipped me to do. 

So when I start to become paralyzed by fear and overwhelmed by grief and confusion, I have to start listing out some "but Gods."

I can't sleep. I can't think straight. I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm heartbroken. I'm sick to my stomach. I'm in tears. I'm so sad.

How are more precious lives traded in for hashtags?

How can this keep happening?

And how can people, white people, continue to justify? Continue to argue? Continue to ignorantly blame? Continue to respond completely insensitively?

I can't bring myself to watch the videos. They will haunt me. I can't watch violence in movies, and I definitely can't handle watching actual lives be taken. But the thing is, I don't need to in order to know these men, these image bearers of God, were murdered. I have read enough to know they were brutally executed. And I remain confused as to how people explain away these horrific accounts, even after given the visual. I'm so confused as to how some of the people who swear to protect, get away with taking life in such a cruel and unjust way. 

My heart seemed to be in a constant state of heaviness and ache last month. June displayed the depravity of man and the fallen world in all aspects. Disease and death and destruction affect nations, communities, families, and individuals. Tragedy continues to strike around the globe. Intense hardships and trials invade our homes. Shootings, terrorist attacks, poverty, political craziness, cancer, pain, addictions, assaults of every kind run rampant. 

And my mind cannot turn it all off. My heart cannot handle it all. Between the tragedies themselves and the endless noise of the news and opinions of everyone on social media, my mind constantly tries to sort through the noise and my heart constantly grieves. Part of it is how I process things and part of it is my introvertedness. Sleep evades me, sometimes due to pregnancy and sometimes due to my mind racing. I have learned I am someone who feels things deeply. And I am often overwhelmed by the weight of it all. 

But last month reminded me of the necessity of being in the Word. I cannot handle the weight of all the tragedies apart from the weight of the truth of the Word.