It is impossible for me to watch Katherine happily play and not think about kids around the world who are bearing such heavy burdens. As my sweet almost-two-year-old joyfully bounced from the car to the playground today, my heart felt a heavy tension. I want to live in the moment and celebrate these little joys, but I don't want to be so soaked up in my moment that I lose sight of the harsh realities of others.
Motherhood has brought out that tension full force. The harsh realities of others are constantly on my mind. When Katherine eats, gets hurt, sleeps besides us, plays, laughs, cries I think about children around the world. Experiencing life with Katherine makes me constantly think about life for others. I can't turn that tension off. And I don't think I should be able to or want to.
I so often struggle with the questions: Why them? Why not me? So much of life is determined by what family we are born into and what country, place, or zip code we are born in. And we have absolutely nothing to do with that. So why them? Why not me? Why was I born in America and my little girl can run happily and without fear around a playground while others are being sex trafficked or enslaved or abused or fighting for life? Why?
There is no other answer sufficient.
I can easily be entangled by fear and questions or be controlled by my own life's happenings. But by the grace of God I am being refined and reminded that my life is not my own. All I have is not mine. So I must use my life for the glory of God and the sake of others.
I am where I am to love and to give, to serve and to help. We carry a responsibility to help those who can't help themselves. Those of us who have the ability must leverage our lives for others.
Because we are where we are by His grace, and we are a grace to others when we love liberally, give generously, and serve sacrificially.
So maybe, just maybe, my questions should change. Instead of asking: Why them? Why not me? Maybe I should be asking: What can I do today for others? How can I serve others for God's glory and their good? How can I take the grace I've been given and be grace to others?
God is working something in my heart because of this constant tension. I don't know what that means or what it will look like, but He will work it out. And in the meantime, I am growing and learning, praying and seeking.
And by His grace, He uses time on the playground to refine me and remind me to love, to give, to serve, to help.